Theo and Jay: Goodbye
Aug. 2nd, 2004 02:04 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
rohansonMorning brightens the sky, touching it with a warm glow, banishing the grey in-between hours. I have been awake for most of the night, and as dawn rose, watched the waves over Jay's shoulder. How could I sleep after talking with Paris, so many thoughts running through my head?
If what Paris says is true, and I have no reason to doubt him, I may die before I ever set eyes on my father again, before I can fulfil my promises to Jay. And one of those may not even be possible. If Bernard is truly destroyed, how can I ever face Jay again? He still lies with his back to me, my face buried in his hair. Seems to be the way our bodies naturally curve around one another while we sleep, and it is the perfect way to wake up. But if I cannot restore his father to him, I can never have this again. I sigh deeply, hoping it doesn't wake him.
Paris. A good man, who valiantly did his best to keep me alive, and how do I repay him? I take his body and use it as if it were my own, but how can I be sorry? How can I ever regret what I found here? My arms tighten around Jay once more, and he moves towards wakefulness.
And Dave. He welcomed me into his house, gave me food and shelter, and I gave him nothing in return but worry and empty bottles. If my father knew how I had repaid his hospitality ... I banish all these thoughts from my head, and concentrate on the body in my arms that is now squirming round to face me, eyes heavy with sleep and barely open look into mine briefly, before his head buries itself in my arms with a sigh.
Moving my legs, I realise I am stuck to this blanket, and laugh a little at the state of us both. "Jay." He groans and pulls me closer, ignoring me. I give in, and for several minutes, lie wrapped up in him, listening to the little snoring noises he makes in the half sleep he's in. But there is something I must do, something I've never done before, and I have spent much of my sleepless night thinking about it. "Jay, I need to ..." He finally looks up at me as I untangle myself from him. He's obviously not awake enough to join me, so I get to my feet, the cold air waking me even more. "I will be back soon." With that, I run down the beach, through the shallow water, and throw myself into the waves.
Jay: I don't wanna wake up. Really, I never do, but today of all fuckin' days I just want to bury my head in the warm pocket Theo and I have created and slip back into oblivion with him. He calls my name, and I ignore him, pressin' my face into hollow of his chest, hopin' for just a few more moments of peace before pullin' myself together to face what's about to come.
But then Theo makes wakin' up easy as he throws off the sleepin' bag coverin' us, and I suck in my breath as the cold mornin' air rushes over my naked skin. "Fuckin' A!" My eyes are wide open now, and I watch with utter disbelief as Theo runs down to the water and throws himself into the waves. Shit, if boy wants to die of hypothermia before he shifts, then he's on the right fuckin' track!
Lettin' out a half-laugh, half-groan, I pull myself up and grope for my clothes. Who I wouldn't blow for a cup of good, black coffee right about now. My teeth are chatterin' a bit as I brush the sand from my T-shirt and jeans, and by the time I've pulled my boots and jacket on Theo's comin' back from the water, drippin' wet with a huge smile on his face. The pale, rosy light in the sky lends a sheen to the water coatin' his naked muscles, drippin' from his tangled cornsilk hair, and he so looks like a lean, golden god, somethin' out of an epic story, that all I can do is stare at him, drink in his radiance. The Prince of Rohan.
But then he comes runnin' back to our makeshift camp, laughin' as he stumbles over the sand, and he's just Theo again. My Theo. I pick up the sleepin' bag that covered us in the night, and shake the sand off it before wrappin' him up in it, holdin' him tight against me. Yeah, it's not a good towel, but it'll keep him warm enough until he dries.
I return his smile, fightin' the lump grownin' in my throat. "You're one crazy motherfucker, Theo." I kiss him gently, tastin' the sea on his soft lips, salty as tears. Stay strong, Jay. Give Theo somethin' good to remember you by. It's gonna be hard enough, no use actin' like a baby about it. You two have already wasted enough time, and no matter how bad you don't want it, he's still got a job to do.
Theodred: My body hits the water, and all the air is knocked out of my lungs with the force and the cold. I’m tossed around by the waves, as if I were a leaf on a breeze! This is nothing like the lake we swam in as children, calm, and flat. This is like being picked up and thrown around by an elemental force of nature! I’m forced back towards the beach, and dive back in, the water already feeling warmer on my skin.
Looking back up the beach, Jay is pulling on his clothes, and tempting though it is to float off on the water, I know our time together is short now, and need to be with him. I run up the beach towards him, my body cooling in the morning air, and as I reach him, laughing at the sheer joy of being alive, he wraps me up in the blanket, holding me close. I feel his sorrow as he kisses me gently, and wish for the hundredth time that I didn’t have to go.
“Jay. I …” My voice feels thick, and I don’t trust myself to say any more, and simply lay my head on his shoulder, my arms escaping the blanket to wrap around him. The cold air whipping around my legs reminds me that I’m still naked under this thing, and I pull away from him, smiling sadly.
“Need to get dressed.” I shrug off the blanket, and dust sand from my clothes before dragging them on. I slow as I pull on my boots and then finally my jacket. Jay has lit a smoke, and I join him, taking it from his fingers, and taking a deep draw from it myself before handing it back. The raw feeling it gives me inside takes my mind off what I need to do, where I need to go, and I take it from him again, grateful of anything to postpone the inevitable.
He throws the last of it down into the sand, and I grab him, pulling him hard against me, kissing him with a violence that should surprise me, but does not. His mouth opens to me, and he meets me with the same force, the same need. I cannot hide anything from him, not now. He has seen into the depths of my soul, and I have seen into his, and my feelings for him are strengthened for truly knowing him. My fingers dig through his hair, tightening in the silky strands between my fingers, and my eyes burn into his.
Jay: When his lips crush against mine, the deep, pullin' ache in my heart tells me that this is really it, and I throw myself into the kiss to hold myself together. I cling to Theo, almost desperately, lettin' everythin' fall away but his taste in my mouth, the feel of his strong body against mine, the salt-and-smoke smell of his hair.
God, I ain't a prayin' man, but if there is one thing I could ask You for, it would be that this moment never end.
But I know that ain't gonna happen. So I don't even ask.
Theodred: “You are my light in the dark, never forget that.” I cannot let my voice crack, must be strong, for you. “I need you to stay strong, Jay, I need you to hold hope in your heart and not let go of it. For me.” And I need more. I know you as well as you know yourself, and I cannot leave if it means you will fall. “Swear to me you will not give in to despair. I cannot do this if I know it means you will fall into your own darkness.” I put my other hand on his chest. “Swear to me that when I see you next,” and my eyes soften a little. “And I will see you again, that you won’t carry any new scars, in your heart or on your skin.” I look down as my finger traces a line down the left arm of your jacket, and then look back at you. “Swear to me!”
Jay: I listen to Theo, fightin' to keep my head as he tells me right out what I need to hear, what I need to know. In just two fuckin' days, this kid has become my world, and now I gotta give that all up. For my Dad. For his Dad. Gotta do the right thing . . . gotta stay tough. For Theo.
He touches the crook of my arm, and I shiver, bitin' my lip to keep down the old ghosts. He saw, last night, and though he doesn't know what heroin is, he could still see the pain, the self-mutilation of it, the desire to escape overwhelmin' grief. He knows, and he's afraid for me.
"I swear, Theo." I say softly, and cover the hand on his chest with mine. "long as I got you right here," I press his hand harder into my ribs, lettin' him feel my heartbeat through the thin T-shirt, "I don't need anythin' else. As long as I know you'll be back, I'll be OK." I suddenly feel like a fuckin' Hallmark card, so I give him a shaky smile, hopin' to see him match it as I shrug. "I'll be bored as hell, but I'll survive."
I touch his face, feelin' the stubble on his cheek, and trace the line down to his scar. He gasps as my finger touches it gently, the skin still raw and bitten. I feel a thrill of fear go through me, as real as the light in his eyes. He cheated his destiny, no-one knows what's gonna happen to him once he goes home. No-one's written it, no-one's made a movie about it. He could die tomorrow, he could live to be a hundred. But in some weird way that makes him more real to me than any of the other freaked-out Tolkien-land characters. His fate is completely his own.
"Promise me, Theo," I look at his eyes again, "that you'll be careful. You've been given somethin' that most people never fuckin' get, a second chance. Promise me you won't fuckin' waste it tryin' to be a hero. Keep yourself safe. For me. Keep my hope alive."
He nods, and I know there's really nothin' left for us to say. Nothin' more to stall us. No more kisses, no more promises. Time to say good-bye.
"I want to watch you go," this time I know my voice breaks, and I hate myself for it, though I know I can't help it, "I want to be the last thing you see here, Theo. So you know what you're comin' back to."
I take his hands in mine, and place one final kiss on his knuckles before meetin' his eyes one last time. "Catch you later, Broðor min."
Theodred: He swears to me and I see the promise in his eyes. His heartbeat is strong beneath my fingers, giving me the courage to do what must be done, giving me the courage to leave him, and I smile at him softly, trying to keep the sorrow from my eyes. I promise him I will keep myself safe with a nod.
So you know what you're comin' back to. His hands slip into mine and I grasp them hard. I know what I’m coming back to, and, the Valar willing, it will not be long before I stand in front of him once more. My mouth curls into a smile as I hear his words, and I answer him in kind. “Broðor min.”
Reaching back in my mind, I can feel Paris stirring from sleep. “It is time, my friend.”
“Jay.” As I begin to slip away an ache spreads through me, turning rapidly to a blinding pain. No longer attached to this body, the pain fills my soul, my essence, tearing me into shreds, and I watch horrified, and Jay falls to the ground in front of Paris, his face contorted with the same agony that fill me. “JAY!!”
I’m slammed back into my body, cold and shivering, and pain screams through me, ripping open old wounds, shattering my soul, and I’m powerless to stop myself falling forward, falling deep into darkness ……
Paris: Slipping back into my body, I fall through a blinding brightness, but before I have the chance to wonder at it, Theo’s screams fill my head, and I fall to the ground … the sand… gasping for breath. What the hell just happened? There’s a guy lying on the sand in front of me *why am I at the beach?* and it takes a moment to recognise the mechanic from the other day, the one that told me he could fix Leelu. Reaching across, I touch his shoulder. “Jay? You okay mate?”
Tentatively, I reach out for Theo, but the link is gone. No!! Not without another chance, not after all we’ve been through. I sit on the sand with a thud, head in my hands. I know this doesn’t mean he’s … gone, I know it might be temporary, but I know he’s fading fast, I’ve felt it these last few days, and the screaming …
“Ah Theo, not now, not like this.”
Jay: I watch as he fades away, tryin' my hardest to keep myself in control, bein' a focus for him. He says my name one more time, and somethin' wrenches in me, hot and jagged. I ignore it, holdin' onto the light in his eyes. . .
But the pain doesn't fade, it swells, ripplin' through me from my soul to my fingertips, so sharp and blindin' it brings me to my knees. I feel like a whirlin' blade has been opened in my chest, rippin' me apart, and it hurts so much I can't even scream as my head hits the sand. Theo's frightened cry echoes through me, slammin' against the raw walls of my heart, and I can't even look up as his body hits the sand besides mine. What the fuck is happening? A heart attack? Then why the fuck do I hurt everywhere? Why did Theo fall? My mind is whirling when another spasm rocks through me, and my mind goes cold. Oh god, Oh god, Oh god please make this stop please make this stop please please let me die right here make it stop oh god oh god . . .
Impossibly, incredibly, the pain doubles momentarily when I feel a hand on my shoulder, hear Theo's voice . . .but it's not Theo. I know it's not him as sure as I know there's a big gapin' hole in my soul, bleedin' from it's torn edges. I roll away from under Paris' hand, clutchin' my chest with one hand. I look up at his face, and the pain twists again. Oh god, to see those eyes look at me like I was a stranger, to see no glimmer of my Theo, it makes me want to . . .
I cover my face with my other hand for a moment, shakin' my head, swallowin' as much of this as I can as the pain makes me rock back and forth. Be tough, Jay, be strong for Theo. But oh god, it still hurts so much . . .but only one thing matters. Focus, Jay. "Theo," I whisper, finally pullin' my hand away to brave another look at Paris, "did he make it back OK?"
Paris: Christ! What the fuck is happening? Jay pulls away from me, as if he can’t stand to look at me. He’s obviously in pain, but I have no idea why, and Theo … it rips me apart to think he may be gone. Why am I here, and where’s Dave or Faramir? Confusion just doesn’t cover this. Jay finally looks back at me, his hands shaking. The only thing I can think of is that there was a fight just as Theo left, would maybe explain the screaming, and Jay’s pain, but then why would he ask about Theo like that? The shock of being back in my own body after so long lying out in the cold hits me, leaves me shaking, and I’m distracted, only half listening to Jay.
“I … I don’t know. The link’s gone, can’t feel him.” I let out a sigh. “I don’t know if the shock of going back … he was in a pretty bad way when I left him. I can’t believe her survived the Ford just to …”
At which point, I look up at Jay, really look at him, and the way he called him Theo, the look in his eyes … ah shit! Round about the same time, I realise that I ache in places that can only mean … okay, so they probably weren’t fighting, then. Still doesn’t explain much. And Jay was here for Theo shifting out, so he knows about it?
Jay: ”The link’s gone, can’t feel him.”
Oh, no. Nononononono. . .
My forehead hits the sand again, my breathin’ shallow, and my eyes burn as the pain flares again, Paris’ words twistin’ the blade in my chest. I want to scream at Paris, call him a fuckin’ liar, but I know he’s tellin’ the truth by the utter confusion in his voice. His honesty sharpens my pain, tears a little more at this raw emptiness in me where Theo used to be, and tells me the truth so bitterly that I wish I was fuckin’ dead.
You promised me, Theo. You fuckin’ promised me you’d be back! Don't do this! Not after everythin’ that happened, after everythin’ you made me swear! You can’t just open me up give me fuckin’ life again, and then crush it all to dust and leave me here alone! Not like this, Theo!
God. . .Not like this.
Paris: “Look man, I have no idea where we are, or why we’re here, but we need to get off the beach. I’m freezing cold, and you’re … hurt.” Standing, I brush the sand off me, reach down to help Jay up. He pulls his arm away from me, but I take no notice, and help him to his feet. I hope to God they didn’t get here on a bike. “You got your Dad’s car here?” He nods, and motions vaguely off down the beach. I can see what looks like a car park not too faraway. He stumbles, clutching his chest, and I’m straight there, arm around his shoulders, holding him up. He tries to move away again. “Jay, for fucks sake quit doing that! You’re hurt. If you don’t let me help you, it’s gonna take all day to get back to the car!”
Jay: Don’t fuckin’ touch me! I try to open my mouth to yell at Paris, but my throat is so tight all that comes out is a wheeze as I try to push him away. This is too much, to fuckin’ much. It’s too familiar, to painful to think of, his smell, his touch, his voice . . .it’s Paris. Not Theo. Theo’s not here, he doesn’t belong here . . .he’s never coming back now. The link’s broken. He can’t come back.
Get your fuckin’ hands off me, you not Theo! Not Theo. Never. Theo. Again.
Never.
Fuck.
Paris: He sags against me, and I half drag him back to the Lincoln where he pushes me away again, and makes for the drivers door. “Gimme the keys, you’re in no state to drive.” He gives me a long look, then hands them over before getting into the passenger seat. “You wanna fill me in on what’s been happening while I drive you home?” I’ve got a feeling this is gonna be like pulling teeth. Sighing, I start the car up. “And it would sorta help knowing where we are, so I can figure out how to get back!”
Jay: My forehead presses against the glass of the window, cool and smooth against my flamin’ skin. As Paris drives us away my eyes linger on the remains of the camp: the torn and abandoned sleepin’ bags, the empty beer cans, the little clouds of ashes driftin’ away from the dead fire. Within seconds, it’s left behind, and with it, the last shreds of my hope.
Paris is askin’ about where we are again, and it takes all my strength to open my mouth. Directions, I can handle that. “Get on the freeway. Head straight south for two hours and we’ll be back in Wellington.”
Silence fills the Hearse for a good quarter hour. Not that wonderful, comfortable silence that Theo and I had in this very car. No, this is an expectant silence, Paris tryin’ to be patient, though I can tell by his sighs he wants to know why the fuck he woke up on the beach with some guy he’s only talked to once in his life.
The pain in my chest has only evened out, hit a plateau of sorts, and I wonder if it’ll ever leave me again. Might as well learn to live with it, then. I slowly fish a smoke out of my pocket and light it, unrollin’ the window a crack. I glance to the side, ready to pass it to Theo, and stop myself short as Paris glances at me. Twist the knife a little more.
Through the drive, I slowly tell Paris what happened. About what happened to Dad, about Theoden, about my first plan that led me to Dave’s door in search of Paris, about Theo’s surprise appearance. I leave out the part about punchin’ Theo out, and feel a pull of guilt lookin’ at the fadin’ cut on Paris’ lip. I talk about goin’ to Dave for help, glossin’ over that first night. . .and completely skippin' the mornin' after at Dad's house. I tell him about the hospital, about Theo’s attempt to help Theoden shift, about his freak-out when he saw the needle, and about our rapid exit.
“I wouldn’t go near the hospital for a long time if I were you, Paris,” I don’t even try to make it a joke. “And as for the beach,” my throat tightens again rememberin’ how gorgeous Theo looked divin' through the waves, comin’ out of the water with a smile on his face, so happy to be alive . . . "That was Theo’s idea. He’d never seen the ocean before."
And I can’t say anythin’ more or I’m gonna scream.
Paris: The feelings Jay is throwing off are almost making it hard to breathe. It’s like he’s been torn in two, and the pain radiating off him is frightening. His feelings for Theo are staggering, and his resentment of me matches them exactly. One thing is for certain. No matter how much I want to go home, I can’t leave Jay like this, no matter what he thinks of me. I owe it to Theo. I remember what he went through when Erkenbold died in his arms. If there is even a sliver of a chance he’s still alive out there, I have to make sure that the person he cares about, I glance at Jay as he stares without seeing out of the window, I have to make sure that person is still here for him if he can come back.
“I know he’d never seen the ocean before.” I don’t care if he wants me to shut up, I’m not gonna. “He couldn’t go on a state visit to Dol Amroth when he was 17 because he broke his ankle when he was taming Brego. Eomer told him so many stories when he got back of diving into the waves, how it felt to be tossed around my the sea. Really pissed Theo off that he was left behind.” Jay shifts in his seat, still not looking at me.
“Okay, I’m gonna lay it all out for you. The link is gone. I have no idea what that means. This shifting thing? It’s new to me too, only been doing it for the last week, but me and Theo? I’ve been living part-time in his head for the past ten years, and I’ve never needed the link to find him before. We dream together, I share his nightmares, and man, is that a scary place to be sometimes.” He glances at me.
Jay: I know Paris is tryin' to make me feel better, tellin' me about Theo, and the memories he shares with him, but truth be told all I want is for him to shut up and leave me alone. I know Theo's memories, I know his heart. Hell, I may even know things Paris doesn't, but I sure as hell ain't gonna tell him right now. So don't fuckin' be rubbin' in what I've lost. Please.
I try to block out his babble, treatin' it like just another part of the pain, but when he mentions he doesn't need the link to find Theo, my ears perk up. But no. I ain't even gonna start hopin' again. I'm so tired of it. So tired of openin' myself, to believin' in things that only end up hurtin' more in the end. Hell, at this rate, the next time I hope it'll end up killin' me.
But maybe that's not such a bad thing, really.
Paris: “He’s strong, Jay. If anyone can survive this he can. Give me time to find him again, and don’t give up on him, not yet.” Jay gives me final directions, and then we are pulling into what I presume is his Dad’s place, and he’s opening the door before we actually stop. Locking up the car, I follow him into the house. I suppose I need to call a cab but I’m not going anywhere until I know he’s gonna be okay.
Jay: When the car stops, I can't get out of it fast enough. This has been the longest fuckin' two hours in my life, and all I want now is to be alone. I stagger towards the door, and as I fish out the house keys I'm glad they're on a separate chain than the car keys.
I hear Paris's step close behind me, so similar, yet different to Theo's. Why the fuck won't he leave me alone?! Does he think he's fuckin' cheerin' me up? Does he think he's my buddy now that Theo's gone? Does he think he can just slide in and take his place, fill the fuckin' hole in my chest, pretend that it was never Theo here, but Paris all along? Why the fuck won't he just go away?
Paris: Walking through the door, I’m suddenly face to face with Jay. He’s holding onto the door frame, and unchecked resentment flows off him, his eyes full of hatred.
“Okay, you wanna scream at me, go ahead. You wanna hit me, give it a go!” I run my thumb over the healing cut on my lip. “Looks like you already did. You must have caught him off guard, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten close. Get it out of your system, Jay!”
Jay: For the first time since the shift, I steadily meet Paris' eyes, lettin' him see all the rage and pain and frustration coursin' through me, forgin' me into some creature made of salt and bile and iron. Oh, I know this feelin', I know it well, as my fists clench into murderous weapons.
Welcome home, Jaybird! I've missed you, ya sonofabitch. Pull yourself up a chair by the fire, warm yourself, then tear Paris to shreds. Ya know ya wanna, and ya know he doesn't think ya can. Hurt him, beat him, make him fuckin' bleed and beg. You know how good it feels, fill this hole in you with his blood and spit and tears. . .
But there somethin' in Paris' eyes. Just a ghost of the familiar, a wisp of smoke through the determined fire in his pupils. I can feel it, that essence he shares with Theo. Just a hint of that sweetness I tasted. . .
I take a deep, shakin' breath, and close my eyes, my fists unclenchin'. No. Not again, not like this. Not to Paris. I can't hurt him. Not for real. I might as well be beatin' Theo.
I might as well be beatin' myself.
Paris: His fists clench, his eyes look back at me, dark and soul-less, and for a long moment, I know he’s considering trying to take me apart. Maybe I’ve been hanging around Theo too long, but I don’t flinch under his gaze. Then something passes through him, and he visibly sags.
Jay: "Go home, Paris." I say softly, holdin' my hands out for the car keys, "Go back to your Dave, go back to your life."
Paris gives me a stubborn look, almost identical to the one Theo always gave me. Twist the blade. I gasp. "Please, Paris. I know ya wanna help, but, seein' you just. . ."
I look down at my feet. He still hasn't budged. "Look, call me in a few days," I look up to meet his eyes again, and remember somethin' that might get him off my doorstep. "Theo said you'd contact me when things with our Dads were sorted out in Rohan. If things work out. . ." I have to swallow hard before continuing, "I'll be waitin' for that call."
Paris: I dump the keys into his outstretched hand, hearing the bitterness in his voice, but then he gasps, and I understand before he says anything why he wants me to go, why he can’t stand the sight of me, and by the looks of it, I’m not even gonna get the chance to call a cab. A quick rummage round my pockets makes me realise I haven’t got the cash to pay for one anyway, and I’m sure as hell not asking Jay for money, so I guess I’m hitching.
You know, when I was out there in the wilderness trying to save Theo’s ass and I thought about coming back, this wasn’t quite the welcome that I’d imagined. I’d better get going. God knows how long it’s gonna take to get home.
“I’ll call you when … I’ll call you. You’ve got Dave’s number, call me if you need anything.” I know he won’t, but the offer is genuine enough. I start to walk away, then turn back, looking at him for a moment.
“You’re not the only one who might have lost someone today. He’s been yours for two days. He’s been with me for 10 years.” And I don’t know how I’m gonna feel if he’s really gone. “Stay safe, mate.”
I turn away and head off down the drive, pulling my jacket tighter around me and kicking a stone out of the way. Walking down past the field, a horse runs towards me and sticks it’s head over the fence, whickering softly. I stop for a moment, and give it a scratch behind the ears, wondering if Theo got to ride it while he was here. I’m fairly certain that Jay left out a lot of stuff when we talked in the car, mostly about him and Theo and I’m hoping that soon, Theo is gonna be able to help me fill in the blanks. I have to keep thinking he’s alive, because I can’t bear the thought of the alternative. Sighing, I head off down the driveway towards the road.
Jay: I close the door softly behind me, before Paris is even off the porch, and I rest my head against the cool, glossy wood as I lock it tight. No-one's fuckin' gettin' in here again.
I rub one hand absently over my achin' chest as I turn around to face the empty house, and the silence that greets me is so full, so complete, that a part of me almost turns to open the door, call Paris back just so I can have somebody here with me.
Ya've gone soft, Jaybird, gotten to used to havin' Theo around you every wakin' moment of the day. Learn to deal, like you always have. When the fuck have ya been afraid of bein' alone? That's the way it's always been, the way it'll always be. Just you. Swallow it, Jaybird, make it part of ya. Atta boy . . .
I stumble through the house to my bedroom, tryin' to push down the shadow of guilt risin' through the pain. I know I just slammed the door in Paris' face when all he wanted was to help, but right now, I just can't fuckin' deal with him. Hell, I can barely deal with standin' upright. All I want now is to sleep, to fall into the numbin' darkness, hopin' that maybe I'll start to dream with Theo, 'cause right now seein' one of his nightmares would hurt a hell of a lot less that what I'm feelin' now.
At least I'd be with him again.
Suck it up, Jaybird! Stop bein' such a fuckin' sissy.
I stop short in the doorway of my bedroom, bitin' my lip as my eyes lock to the bed, at the dent where Theo and I laid together after the shower yesterday. God, just yesterday. From here, I can make out his outline, see the stray strands of gold hair clingin' to the pillow, can smell the clean musk of his skin on the sheets minglin' with my own scent. . .
I turn away from the room with a moan as the chasm in my soul rips just a little more, and stumble back blindly to the livin' room. I doubt I'll ever be able to sleep in that fuckin' bed again. I don't even bother takin' off my shoes or jacket as I drop down on the couch. Only room for one on this couch. My breathin's ragged as I practically crash into sleep, tryin' for all the life of me not to miss the feel of Theo curled up behind me, spoonin' me so perfectly you'd think we'd been created to fit each other's bodies . . .
Just sleep, Jaybird. Forget it all, hide from the pain for now. When you wake up, I'll be right here waitin' for ya, bro. I ain't goin' nowhere. Not this time.
If what Paris says is true, and I have no reason to doubt him, I may die before I ever set eyes on my father again, before I can fulfil my promises to Jay. And one of those may not even be possible. If Bernard is truly destroyed, how can I ever face Jay again? He still lies with his back to me, my face buried in his hair. Seems to be the way our bodies naturally curve around one another while we sleep, and it is the perfect way to wake up. But if I cannot restore his father to him, I can never have this again. I sigh deeply, hoping it doesn't wake him.
Paris. A good man, who valiantly did his best to keep me alive, and how do I repay him? I take his body and use it as if it were my own, but how can I be sorry? How can I ever regret what I found here? My arms tighten around Jay once more, and he moves towards wakefulness.
And Dave. He welcomed me into his house, gave me food and shelter, and I gave him nothing in return but worry and empty bottles. If my father knew how I had repaid his hospitality ... I banish all these thoughts from my head, and concentrate on the body in my arms that is now squirming round to face me, eyes heavy with sleep and barely open look into mine briefly, before his head buries itself in my arms with a sigh.
Moving my legs, I realise I am stuck to this blanket, and laugh a little at the state of us both. "Jay." He groans and pulls me closer, ignoring me. I give in, and for several minutes, lie wrapped up in him, listening to the little snoring noises he makes in the half sleep he's in. But there is something I must do, something I've never done before, and I have spent much of my sleepless night thinking about it. "Jay, I need to ..." He finally looks up at me as I untangle myself from him. He's obviously not awake enough to join me, so I get to my feet, the cold air waking me even more. "I will be back soon." With that, I run down the beach, through the shallow water, and throw myself into the waves.
Jay: I don't wanna wake up. Really, I never do, but today of all fuckin' days I just want to bury my head in the warm pocket Theo and I have created and slip back into oblivion with him. He calls my name, and I ignore him, pressin' my face into hollow of his chest, hopin' for just a few more moments of peace before pullin' myself together to face what's about to come.
But then Theo makes wakin' up easy as he throws off the sleepin' bag coverin' us, and I suck in my breath as the cold mornin' air rushes over my naked skin. "Fuckin' A!" My eyes are wide open now, and I watch with utter disbelief as Theo runs down to the water and throws himself into the waves. Shit, if boy wants to die of hypothermia before he shifts, then he's on the right fuckin' track!
Lettin' out a half-laugh, half-groan, I pull myself up and grope for my clothes. Who I wouldn't blow for a cup of good, black coffee right about now. My teeth are chatterin' a bit as I brush the sand from my T-shirt and jeans, and by the time I've pulled my boots and jacket on Theo's comin' back from the water, drippin' wet with a huge smile on his face. The pale, rosy light in the sky lends a sheen to the water coatin' his naked muscles, drippin' from his tangled cornsilk hair, and he so looks like a lean, golden god, somethin' out of an epic story, that all I can do is stare at him, drink in his radiance. The Prince of Rohan.
But then he comes runnin' back to our makeshift camp, laughin' as he stumbles over the sand, and he's just Theo again. My Theo. I pick up the sleepin' bag that covered us in the night, and shake the sand off it before wrappin' him up in it, holdin' him tight against me. Yeah, it's not a good towel, but it'll keep him warm enough until he dries.
I return his smile, fightin' the lump grownin' in my throat. "You're one crazy motherfucker, Theo." I kiss him gently, tastin' the sea on his soft lips, salty as tears. Stay strong, Jay. Give Theo somethin' good to remember you by. It's gonna be hard enough, no use actin' like a baby about it. You two have already wasted enough time, and no matter how bad you don't want it, he's still got a job to do.
Theodred: My body hits the water, and all the air is knocked out of my lungs with the force and the cold. I’m tossed around by the waves, as if I were a leaf on a breeze! This is nothing like the lake we swam in as children, calm, and flat. This is like being picked up and thrown around by an elemental force of nature! I’m forced back towards the beach, and dive back in, the water already feeling warmer on my skin.
Looking back up the beach, Jay is pulling on his clothes, and tempting though it is to float off on the water, I know our time together is short now, and need to be with him. I run up the beach towards him, my body cooling in the morning air, and as I reach him, laughing at the sheer joy of being alive, he wraps me up in the blanket, holding me close. I feel his sorrow as he kisses me gently, and wish for the hundredth time that I didn’t have to go.
“Jay. I …” My voice feels thick, and I don’t trust myself to say any more, and simply lay my head on his shoulder, my arms escaping the blanket to wrap around him. The cold air whipping around my legs reminds me that I’m still naked under this thing, and I pull away from him, smiling sadly.
“Need to get dressed.” I shrug off the blanket, and dust sand from my clothes before dragging them on. I slow as I pull on my boots and then finally my jacket. Jay has lit a smoke, and I join him, taking it from his fingers, and taking a deep draw from it myself before handing it back. The raw feeling it gives me inside takes my mind off what I need to do, where I need to go, and I take it from him again, grateful of anything to postpone the inevitable.
He throws the last of it down into the sand, and I grab him, pulling him hard against me, kissing him with a violence that should surprise me, but does not. His mouth opens to me, and he meets me with the same force, the same need. I cannot hide anything from him, not now. He has seen into the depths of my soul, and I have seen into his, and my feelings for him are strengthened for truly knowing him. My fingers dig through his hair, tightening in the silky strands between my fingers, and my eyes burn into his.
Jay: When his lips crush against mine, the deep, pullin' ache in my heart tells me that this is really it, and I throw myself into the kiss to hold myself together. I cling to Theo, almost desperately, lettin' everythin' fall away but his taste in my mouth, the feel of his strong body against mine, the salt-and-smoke smell of his hair.
God, I ain't a prayin' man, but if there is one thing I could ask You for, it would be that this moment never end.
But I know that ain't gonna happen. So I don't even ask.
Theodred: “You are my light in the dark, never forget that.” I cannot let my voice crack, must be strong, for you. “I need you to stay strong, Jay, I need you to hold hope in your heart and not let go of it. For me.” And I need more. I know you as well as you know yourself, and I cannot leave if it means you will fall. “Swear to me you will not give in to despair. I cannot do this if I know it means you will fall into your own darkness.” I put my other hand on his chest. “Swear to me that when I see you next,” and my eyes soften a little. “And I will see you again, that you won’t carry any new scars, in your heart or on your skin.” I look down as my finger traces a line down the left arm of your jacket, and then look back at you. “Swear to me!”
Jay: I listen to Theo, fightin' to keep my head as he tells me right out what I need to hear, what I need to know. In just two fuckin' days, this kid has become my world, and now I gotta give that all up. For my Dad. For his Dad. Gotta do the right thing . . . gotta stay tough. For Theo.
He touches the crook of my arm, and I shiver, bitin' my lip to keep down the old ghosts. He saw, last night, and though he doesn't know what heroin is, he could still see the pain, the self-mutilation of it, the desire to escape overwhelmin' grief. He knows, and he's afraid for me.
"I swear, Theo." I say softly, and cover the hand on his chest with mine. "long as I got you right here," I press his hand harder into my ribs, lettin' him feel my heartbeat through the thin T-shirt, "I don't need anythin' else. As long as I know you'll be back, I'll be OK." I suddenly feel like a fuckin' Hallmark card, so I give him a shaky smile, hopin' to see him match it as I shrug. "I'll be bored as hell, but I'll survive."
I touch his face, feelin' the stubble on his cheek, and trace the line down to his scar. He gasps as my finger touches it gently, the skin still raw and bitten. I feel a thrill of fear go through me, as real as the light in his eyes. He cheated his destiny, no-one knows what's gonna happen to him once he goes home. No-one's written it, no-one's made a movie about it. He could die tomorrow, he could live to be a hundred. But in some weird way that makes him more real to me than any of the other freaked-out Tolkien-land characters. His fate is completely his own.
"Promise me, Theo," I look at his eyes again, "that you'll be careful. You've been given somethin' that most people never fuckin' get, a second chance. Promise me you won't fuckin' waste it tryin' to be a hero. Keep yourself safe. For me. Keep my hope alive."
He nods, and I know there's really nothin' left for us to say. Nothin' more to stall us. No more kisses, no more promises. Time to say good-bye.
"I want to watch you go," this time I know my voice breaks, and I hate myself for it, though I know I can't help it, "I want to be the last thing you see here, Theo. So you know what you're comin' back to."
I take his hands in mine, and place one final kiss on his knuckles before meetin' his eyes one last time. "Catch you later, Broðor min."
Theodred: He swears to me and I see the promise in his eyes. His heartbeat is strong beneath my fingers, giving me the courage to do what must be done, giving me the courage to leave him, and I smile at him softly, trying to keep the sorrow from my eyes. I promise him I will keep myself safe with a nod.
So you know what you're comin' back to. His hands slip into mine and I grasp them hard. I know what I’m coming back to, and, the Valar willing, it will not be long before I stand in front of him once more. My mouth curls into a smile as I hear his words, and I answer him in kind. “Broðor min.”
Reaching back in my mind, I can feel Paris stirring from sleep. “It is time, my friend.”
“Jay.” As I begin to slip away an ache spreads through me, turning rapidly to a blinding pain. No longer attached to this body, the pain fills my soul, my essence, tearing me into shreds, and I watch horrified, and Jay falls to the ground in front of Paris, his face contorted with the same agony that fill me. “JAY!!”
I’m slammed back into my body, cold and shivering, and pain screams through me, ripping open old wounds, shattering my soul, and I’m powerless to stop myself falling forward, falling deep into darkness ……
Paris: Slipping back into my body, I fall through a blinding brightness, but before I have the chance to wonder at it, Theo’s screams fill my head, and I fall to the ground … the sand… gasping for breath. What the hell just happened? There’s a guy lying on the sand in front of me *why am I at the beach?* and it takes a moment to recognise the mechanic from the other day, the one that told me he could fix Leelu. Reaching across, I touch his shoulder. “Jay? You okay mate?”
Tentatively, I reach out for Theo, but the link is gone. No!! Not without another chance, not after all we’ve been through. I sit on the sand with a thud, head in my hands. I know this doesn’t mean he’s … gone, I know it might be temporary, but I know he’s fading fast, I’ve felt it these last few days, and the screaming …
“Ah Theo, not now, not like this.”
Jay: I watch as he fades away, tryin' my hardest to keep myself in control, bein' a focus for him. He says my name one more time, and somethin' wrenches in me, hot and jagged. I ignore it, holdin' onto the light in his eyes. . .
But the pain doesn't fade, it swells, ripplin' through me from my soul to my fingertips, so sharp and blindin' it brings me to my knees. I feel like a whirlin' blade has been opened in my chest, rippin' me apart, and it hurts so much I can't even scream as my head hits the sand. Theo's frightened cry echoes through me, slammin' against the raw walls of my heart, and I can't even look up as his body hits the sand besides mine. What the fuck is happening? A heart attack? Then why the fuck do I hurt everywhere? Why did Theo fall? My mind is whirling when another spasm rocks through me, and my mind goes cold. Oh god, Oh god, Oh god please make this stop please make this stop please please let me die right here make it stop oh god oh god . . .
Impossibly, incredibly, the pain doubles momentarily when I feel a hand on my shoulder, hear Theo's voice . . .but it's not Theo. I know it's not him as sure as I know there's a big gapin' hole in my soul, bleedin' from it's torn edges. I roll away from under Paris' hand, clutchin' my chest with one hand. I look up at his face, and the pain twists again. Oh god, to see those eyes look at me like I was a stranger, to see no glimmer of my Theo, it makes me want to . . .
I cover my face with my other hand for a moment, shakin' my head, swallowin' as much of this as I can as the pain makes me rock back and forth. Be tough, Jay, be strong for Theo. But oh god, it still hurts so much . . .but only one thing matters. Focus, Jay. "Theo," I whisper, finally pullin' my hand away to brave another look at Paris, "did he make it back OK?"
Paris: Christ! What the fuck is happening? Jay pulls away from me, as if he can’t stand to look at me. He’s obviously in pain, but I have no idea why, and Theo … it rips me apart to think he may be gone. Why am I here, and where’s Dave or Faramir? Confusion just doesn’t cover this. Jay finally looks back at me, his hands shaking. The only thing I can think of is that there was a fight just as Theo left, would maybe explain the screaming, and Jay’s pain, but then why would he ask about Theo like that? The shock of being back in my own body after so long lying out in the cold hits me, leaves me shaking, and I’m distracted, only half listening to Jay.
“I … I don’t know. The link’s gone, can’t feel him.” I let out a sigh. “I don’t know if the shock of going back … he was in a pretty bad way when I left him. I can’t believe her survived the Ford just to …”
At which point, I look up at Jay, really look at him, and the way he called him Theo, the look in his eyes … ah shit! Round about the same time, I realise that I ache in places that can only mean … okay, so they probably weren’t fighting, then. Still doesn’t explain much. And Jay was here for Theo shifting out, so he knows about it?
Jay: ”The link’s gone, can’t feel him.”
Oh, no. Nononononono. . .
My forehead hits the sand again, my breathin’ shallow, and my eyes burn as the pain flares again, Paris’ words twistin’ the blade in my chest. I want to scream at Paris, call him a fuckin’ liar, but I know he’s tellin’ the truth by the utter confusion in his voice. His honesty sharpens my pain, tears a little more at this raw emptiness in me where Theo used to be, and tells me the truth so bitterly that I wish I was fuckin’ dead.
You promised me, Theo. You fuckin’ promised me you’d be back! Don't do this! Not after everythin’ that happened, after everythin’ you made me swear! You can’t just open me up give me fuckin’ life again, and then crush it all to dust and leave me here alone! Not like this, Theo!
God. . .Not like this.
Paris: “Look man, I have no idea where we are, or why we’re here, but we need to get off the beach. I’m freezing cold, and you’re … hurt.” Standing, I brush the sand off me, reach down to help Jay up. He pulls his arm away from me, but I take no notice, and help him to his feet. I hope to God they didn’t get here on a bike. “You got your Dad’s car here?” He nods, and motions vaguely off down the beach. I can see what looks like a car park not too faraway. He stumbles, clutching his chest, and I’m straight there, arm around his shoulders, holding him up. He tries to move away again. “Jay, for fucks sake quit doing that! You’re hurt. If you don’t let me help you, it’s gonna take all day to get back to the car!”
Jay: Don’t fuckin’ touch me! I try to open my mouth to yell at Paris, but my throat is so tight all that comes out is a wheeze as I try to push him away. This is too much, to fuckin’ much. It’s too familiar, to painful to think of, his smell, his touch, his voice . . .it’s Paris. Not Theo. Theo’s not here, he doesn’t belong here . . .he’s never coming back now. The link’s broken. He can’t come back.
Get your fuckin’ hands off me, you not Theo! Not Theo. Never. Theo. Again.
Never.
Fuck.
Paris: He sags against me, and I half drag him back to the Lincoln where he pushes me away again, and makes for the drivers door. “Gimme the keys, you’re in no state to drive.” He gives me a long look, then hands them over before getting into the passenger seat. “You wanna fill me in on what’s been happening while I drive you home?” I’ve got a feeling this is gonna be like pulling teeth. Sighing, I start the car up. “And it would sorta help knowing where we are, so I can figure out how to get back!”
Jay: My forehead presses against the glass of the window, cool and smooth against my flamin’ skin. As Paris drives us away my eyes linger on the remains of the camp: the torn and abandoned sleepin’ bags, the empty beer cans, the little clouds of ashes driftin’ away from the dead fire. Within seconds, it’s left behind, and with it, the last shreds of my hope.
Paris is askin’ about where we are again, and it takes all my strength to open my mouth. Directions, I can handle that. “Get on the freeway. Head straight south for two hours and we’ll be back in Wellington.”
Silence fills the Hearse for a good quarter hour. Not that wonderful, comfortable silence that Theo and I had in this very car. No, this is an expectant silence, Paris tryin’ to be patient, though I can tell by his sighs he wants to know why the fuck he woke up on the beach with some guy he’s only talked to once in his life.
The pain in my chest has only evened out, hit a plateau of sorts, and I wonder if it’ll ever leave me again. Might as well learn to live with it, then. I slowly fish a smoke out of my pocket and light it, unrollin’ the window a crack. I glance to the side, ready to pass it to Theo, and stop myself short as Paris glances at me. Twist the knife a little more.
Through the drive, I slowly tell Paris what happened. About what happened to Dad, about Theoden, about my first plan that led me to Dave’s door in search of Paris, about Theo’s surprise appearance. I leave out the part about punchin’ Theo out, and feel a pull of guilt lookin’ at the fadin’ cut on Paris’ lip. I talk about goin’ to Dave for help, glossin’ over that first night. . .and completely skippin' the mornin' after at Dad's house. I tell him about the hospital, about Theo’s attempt to help Theoden shift, about his freak-out when he saw the needle, and about our rapid exit.
“I wouldn’t go near the hospital for a long time if I were you, Paris,” I don’t even try to make it a joke. “And as for the beach,” my throat tightens again rememberin’ how gorgeous Theo looked divin' through the waves, comin’ out of the water with a smile on his face, so happy to be alive . . . "That was Theo’s idea. He’d never seen the ocean before."
And I can’t say anythin’ more or I’m gonna scream.
Paris: The feelings Jay is throwing off are almost making it hard to breathe. It’s like he’s been torn in two, and the pain radiating off him is frightening. His feelings for Theo are staggering, and his resentment of me matches them exactly. One thing is for certain. No matter how much I want to go home, I can’t leave Jay like this, no matter what he thinks of me. I owe it to Theo. I remember what he went through when Erkenbold died in his arms. If there is even a sliver of a chance he’s still alive out there, I have to make sure that the person he cares about, I glance at Jay as he stares without seeing out of the window, I have to make sure that person is still here for him if he can come back.
“I know he’d never seen the ocean before.” I don’t care if he wants me to shut up, I’m not gonna. “He couldn’t go on a state visit to Dol Amroth when he was 17 because he broke his ankle when he was taming Brego. Eomer told him so many stories when he got back of diving into the waves, how it felt to be tossed around my the sea. Really pissed Theo off that he was left behind.” Jay shifts in his seat, still not looking at me.
“Okay, I’m gonna lay it all out for you. The link is gone. I have no idea what that means. This shifting thing? It’s new to me too, only been doing it for the last week, but me and Theo? I’ve been living part-time in his head for the past ten years, and I’ve never needed the link to find him before. We dream together, I share his nightmares, and man, is that a scary place to be sometimes.” He glances at me.
Jay: I know Paris is tryin' to make me feel better, tellin' me about Theo, and the memories he shares with him, but truth be told all I want is for him to shut up and leave me alone. I know Theo's memories, I know his heart. Hell, I may even know things Paris doesn't, but I sure as hell ain't gonna tell him right now. So don't fuckin' be rubbin' in what I've lost. Please.
I try to block out his babble, treatin' it like just another part of the pain, but when he mentions he doesn't need the link to find Theo, my ears perk up. But no. I ain't even gonna start hopin' again. I'm so tired of it. So tired of openin' myself, to believin' in things that only end up hurtin' more in the end. Hell, at this rate, the next time I hope it'll end up killin' me.
But maybe that's not such a bad thing, really.
Paris: “He’s strong, Jay. If anyone can survive this he can. Give me time to find him again, and don’t give up on him, not yet.” Jay gives me final directions, and then we are pulling into what I presume is his Dad’s place, and he’s opening the door before we actually stop. Locking up the car, I follow him into the house. I suppose I need to call a cab but I’m not going anywhere until I know he’s gonna be okay.
Jay: When the car stops, I can't get out of it fast enough. This has been the longest fuckin' two hours in my life, and all I want now is to be alone. I stagger towards the door, and as I fish out the house keys I'm glad they're on a separate chain than the car keys.
I hear Paris's step close behind me, so similar, yet different to Theo's. Why the fuck won't he leave me alone?! Does he think he's fuckin' cheerin' me up? Does he think he's my buddy now that Theo's gone? Does he think he can just slide in and take his place, fill the fuckin' hole in my chest, pretend that it was never Theo here, but Paris all along? Why the fuck won't he just go away?
Paris: Walking through the door, I’m suddenly face to face with Jay. He’s holding onto the door frame, and unchecked resentment flows off him, his eyes full of hatred.
“Okay, you wanna scream at me, go ahead. You wanna hit me, give it a go!” I run my thumb over the healing cut on my lip. “Looks like you already did. You must have caught him off guard, otherwise you wouldn’t have gotten close. Get it out of your system, Jay!”
Jay: For the first time since the shift, I steadily meet Paris' eyes, lettin' him see all the rage and pain and frustration coursin' through me, forgin' me into some creature made of salt and bile and iron. Oh, I know this feelin', I know it well, as my fists clench into murderous weapons.
Welcome home, Jaybird! I've missed you, ya sonofabitch. Pull yourself up a chair by the fire, warm yourself, then tear Paris to shreds. Ya know ya wanna, and ya know he doesn't think ya can. Hurt him, beat him, make him fuckin' bleed and beg. You know how good it feels, fill this hole in you with his blood and spit and tears. . .
But there somethin' in Paris' eyes. Just a ghost of the familiar, a wisp of smoke through the determined fire in his pupils. I can feel it, that essence he shares with Theo. Just a hint of that sweetness I tasted. . .
I take a deep, shakin' breath, and close my eyes, my fists unclenchin'. No. Not again, not like this. Not to Paris. I can't hurt him. Not for real. I might as well be beatin' Theo.
I might as well be beatin' myself.
Paris: His fists clench, his eyes look back at me, dark and soul-less, and for a long moment, I know he’s considering trying to take me apart. Maybe I’ve been hanging around Theo too long, but I don’t flinch under his gaze. Then something passes through him, and he visibly sags.
Jay: "Go home, Paris." I say softly, holdin' my hands out for the car keys, "Go back to your Dave, go back to your life."
Paris gives me a stubborn look, almost identical to the one Theo always gave me. Twist the blade. I gasp. "Please, Paris. I know ya wanna help, but, seein' you just. . ."
I look down at my feet. He still hasn't budged. "Look, call me in a few days," I look up to meet his eyes again, and remember somethin' that might get him off my doorstep. "Theo said you'd contact me when things with our Dads were sorted out in Rohan. If things work out. . ." I have to swallow hard before continuing, "I'll be waitin' for that call."
Paris: I dump the keys into his outstretched hand, hearing the bitterness in his voice, but then he gasps, and I understand before he says anything why he wants me to go, why he can’t stand the sight of me, and by the looks of it, I’m not even gonna get the chance to call a cab. A quick rummage round my pockets makes me realise I haven’t got the cash to pay for one anyway, and I’m sure as hell not asking Jay for money, so I guess I’m hitching.
You know, when I was out there in the wilderness trying to save Theo’s ass and I thought about coming back, this wasn’t quite the welcome that I’d imagined. I’d better get going. God knows how long it’s gonna take to get home.
“I’ll call you when … I’ll call you. You’ve got Dave’s number, call me if you need anything.” I know he won’t, but the offer is genuine enough. I start to walk away, then turn back, looking at him for a moment.
“You’re not the only one who might have lost someone today. He’s been yours for two days. He’s been with me for 10 years.” And I don’t know how I’m gonna feel if he’s really gone. “Stay safe, mate.”
I turn away and head off down the drive, pulling my jacket tighter around me and kicking a stone out of the way. Walking down past the field, a horse runs towards me and sticks it’s head over the fence, whickering softly. I stop for a moment, and give it a scratch behind the ears, wondering if Theo got to ride it while he was here. I’m fairly certain that Jay left out a lot of stuff when we talked in the car, mostly about him and Theo and I’m hoping that soon, Theo is gonna be able to help me fill in the blanks. I have to keep thinking he’s alive, because I can’t bear the thought of the alternative. Sighing, I head off down the driveway towards the road.
Jay: I close the door softly behind me, before Paris is even off the porch, and I rest my head against the cool, glossy wood as I lock it tight. No-one's fuckin' gettin' in here again.
I rub one hand absently over my achin' chest as I turn around to face the empty house, and the silence that greets me is so full, so complete, that a part of me almost turns to open the door, call Paris back just so I can have somebody here with me.
Ya've gone soft, Jaybird, gotten to used to havin' Theo around you every wakin' moment of the day. Learn to deal, like you always have. When the fuck have ya been afraid of bein' alone? That's the way it's always been, the way it'll always be. Just you. Swallow it, Jaybird, make it part of ya. Atta boy . . .
I stumble through the house to my bedroom, tryin' to push down the shadow of guilt risin' through the pain. I know I just slammed the door in Paris' face when all he wanted was to help, but right now, I just can't fuckin' deal with him. Hell, I can barely deal with standin' upright. All I want now is to sleep, to fall into the numbin' darkness, hopin' that maybe I'll start to dream with Theo, 'cause right now seein' one of his nightmares would hurt a hell of a lot less that what I'm feelin' now.
At least I'd be with him again.
Suck it up, Jaybird! Stop bein' such a fuckin' sissy.
I stop short in the doorway of my bedroom, bitin' my lip as my eyes lock to the bed, at the dent where Theo and I laid together after the shower yesterday. God, just yesterday. From here, I can make out his outline, see the stray strands of gold hair clingin' to the pillow, can smell the clean musk of his skin on the sheets minglin' with my own scent. . .
I turn away from the room with a moan as the chasm in my soul rips just a little more, and stumble back blindly to the livin' room. I doubt I'll ever be able to sleep in that fuckin' bed again. I don't even bother takin' off my shoes or jacket as I drop down on the couch. Only room for one on this couch. My breathin's ragged as I practically crash into sleep, tryin' for all the life of me not to miss the feel of Theo curled up behind me, spoonin' me so perfectly you'd think we'd been created to fit each other's bodies . . .
Just sleep, Jaybird. Forget it all, hide from the pain for now. When you wake up, I'll be right here waitin' for ya, bro. I ain't goin' nowhere. Not this time.
